Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
