Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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