how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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