I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize