I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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