I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
