No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
