My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
