Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
