my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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