I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
