I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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