you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
