Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
