I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
