i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
