Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
