my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
