I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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