What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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