isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
