Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
What drink are we having for lunch?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
