The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
