Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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