i wish peter jackson would direct porn
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
