Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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