Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you win again, gameday.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
