i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
