Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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