I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
