I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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