I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize