A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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