Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
