you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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