You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
