Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
