Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
