Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
