So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize