Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
