did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize