my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
