Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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