The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
