Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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