I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
