You just made me feel so damn special
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
