Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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