My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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