I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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