Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I wish there were birth control emojis
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
