a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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