Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
