Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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