I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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