I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
