I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
