I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
please come you make the beer taste better
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize