FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
