she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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