I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
